


Pokemon Go Hard Or Go Home

by The_Onion_Wanton



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Chatlogs, Discussions of Past Abuse, Epistolary, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of Bro Strider - Freeform, Pokemon GO - Freeform, Slurs, Trans Characters, bogus genetics, gay jesus pokemon, i swear it's a happy fic .jpeg, mentions of past alcohol abuse and stillbirth, nerds being nerds, these tags make it look way scarier than it actually is i swear it's a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-07-25 07:28:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7523863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Onion_Wanton/pseuds/The_Onion_Wanton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tg: why are all our siblings getting dates and all i do is catch weedles</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pokemon Go Hard Or Go Home

**Author's Note:**

> hey if you like pokemon go fics and didnt read [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7463379/chapters/16960467) then. what how. go read it
> 
> alpha kids' chumhandles are lowercase for clarity

GC: G3T UP L0S3R W3R3 GO1NG POK3MON HUNT1NG

CG: JESUS CHRIST, I’M UP!!

CG: accidental caps-lock, sorry.

CG: but, seriously? five missed phone calls?

CG: and what’s up with the garbled leetspeak?

GC: Sorry I evolved another charmander and got excited >D

GC: Where are you??

GC: Somebody claimed your dads church!!

CG: wait, what?

CG: when???

CG: i walked down to kanaya’s to hatch an egg.

GC: What did you get?

CG: a bulbasaur.

GC: Name him Weed!

CG: sollux said the same thing?? the *exact* same thing?? do i have a type?

GC: Yes but we didn’t think you knew.

CG: ouch.

GC: Okay yes too soon.

GC: Anyways!!! It’s the cool kid gene.

GC: How’s Weed?

CG: i am *not* naming him that!! 

CG: his name is “fuck sollux captor and terezi pyrope for being a bunch of idiots and me for still putting up with them”

GC: I didn’t know you could use that many letters >o/

CG: har-har. 

CG: anyways, i’m on my way back.

CG: trying to hatch the 10 km one.

GC: You’re such a team instinct stereotype.

CG: oh fuck off, you only went with valor cause they’re red!

GC: *And* i’m gay for the coach

CG: okay, yeah.

GC: >D

CG: who claimed the gym?

GC: Idk but they’re team mystic.

GC: Their username is a keysmash. 

GC: Or welsh. I’m never sure.

GC: Their weedle is called buttplug.

CG: they have a weedle??

CG: guarding the gym?

GC: Buttplug!

CG: okay, they have your shitty immature sense of humour, but a weedle?

GC: At least we know they’re not vanilla >D

CG: jesus christ, terezi.

GC: Are you going to fight them?

CG: no, i’m good.

GC: Awwwwwwww.

GC: Vriska called you team yellow baby.

CG: tell her to suck it.

GC: I named a Krabby after you!

CG: d’aw, i’m choking on all this gushing affection.

CG: i’ll name the first dragon type after you.

GC: ! pinky swear??

CG: pinky swear, you absolute human mistake.

GC: <3

CG: hah. <3

GC: ok off to fight the buttplug!!! Wish me luck!

CG: god have mercy.

__

TG: yooo family meeting

TG: i did it

tg: u did what?

tt: He claimed a gym with a weedle. Good god dave.

tt: If anyone asks I’ve never met you.

TT: I’m with Dirk.

TG: ha think again im team mystic

TG: teammates hell yes come help me hold up the fort

tg: hahahahhahah ilu davey

tg: ill wait for someone to beat u so i can take over 

tg: dont wanna battle my family thats poor taste

tt: I know none of you.

tt: Save for Rose. Rose is alright. 

TT: Thank you, brother.

tt: Anything for you, sweetie.

TG: ok i love this blood of the womb thing and all but for real look at this

TG: (screenshot)

TG: its a CHURCH

TG: this one guy walked by playing and asked if im the weedle idiot and i was like ye and he was ok respect and walked away

tg: omggg u named it buttplug thats hilarious

tg: dirk look he named a weedle buttplug

tt: For clarification, she made the same joke last night and I told her to stop.

tg: it was so funny tho jake said u shouldnt use weedles as buttplugs and i called him a vanilla schmuck and dirk couldnt disagree

TT: My, my.

tt: Right. 

tt: Gotta run now, Rose and I are catching Clefairies downtown.

TT: You’re on your own, David.

TT: Apologies.

TG: jesus christ can you two be any gayer

tt: We try.

TT: Something about pots and kettles.

TG: roxy theyre mean to me

tg: dont be mean to davey

TG: thanks mom

tg: <3

 

__

The old clock near his father’s church was a Pokestop— Karkat slowed down next to it, waited for it to load. There was a new text from Terezi, letting him know she’d claimed the gym; he rolled his eyes, checked for any Krabbies nearby. 

He was leveling that fucker up today, damn it. 

He noticed Terezi the moment he turned the corner; she’d bleached and dyed her hair a few weeks back and it was still bright orange, dark roots showing. Vriska was nowhere to be seen—thank god for the small blessings—but someone else was with her, a tall stranger with the most obnoxiously red hoodie. 

Karkat slowed down as he approached them, cleared his throat.

Terezi noticed him first. “Karkat!”

“Hey,” he muttered. The stranger was looking his way; they had pale white hair, a pair of aviators on. A really nice jawline. A phone in hand. “Who’s this?”

“Name’s Dave,” the stranger replied. “‘Sup.”

Karkat blinked.

“He’s also a pokemon trainer!” Terezi exclaimed. Her tan toned legs were stretched out in front of her, shirt slipping down in a way that offered Dave a perfect view down her shirt. The shades made it hard to tell where he was looking, but Karkat had a sneaking suspicion. “He’s the Buttplug guy!”

An old lady exiting the church gave them a scandalised look. Terezi burst out laughing.

“Man, ‘Rezi, can’t just out a guy like that.” Dave’s face was red. “That’s got to be some kind of a breach of confidence thing. Where did the recently-beat-your-weedle confidentiality go, man, that shit used to be _sacred_. Keep kicking me while I’m down. You maneater.”

“Nice,” Karkat mused.

Dave shrugged. “She just handed my ass back to me on a platter.” He sighed. “A dragon patterned platter.”

Terezi beamed. “You know it’s his dad’s church, right?”

Dave’s mouth formed a little ‘o’. He turned around to look a Karkat. 

Karkat’s turn to blush. Thank god it didn’t show with his skintone. 

“Seriously?”

“Yeah.”

Dave hesitated for a second. “Sorry about claiming your dad’s church with my buttplug weedle.”

Terezi burst out laughing again.

“No, it’s cool.” Karkat chanced a smile. “He’s always off about being creative and branching out, and fuck if weedle buttplugs don’t pander to both the requests.”

Dave’s face was bright red. “Rezi here named her charizard Gay Jesus,” he added.

Terezi nodded. “Had to keep up the tradition.”

Karkat closed his eyes. He wasn’t going to laugh. Wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction. “So you two want to keep sitting here like a bunch of no-lifers or start walking and hatch my fucking egg?”

Dave’s turn to laugh; short, almost surprised. Oddly endearing. “Wow. That’s a sentence I never expected to hear.”

Terezi extended her free hand; Karkat helped her up. 

“He’s team instinct,” she said to Dave.

“Oh,” he nodded. “Explains.”

Karkat was already walking. Fuck them all.

__

TA: are you the buttplug guy?

TG: whos asking

TA: im kk’s and tz’s friend.

TA: also, your team. 

TG: oh right i think they mentioned you

TG: sollux right

TA: in name and deed.

TA: got anything but weedles?

TG: 50 pidgeys and a venusaur

TA: i honestly don't know what i expected.

TA: are you going to evolve any of those pidgeys?

TG: dunno man they spell out the lyrics to all star itd be a pity to ruin that

TA: ah, ok then, sorry i asked.

TG: its ok it happens

TA: haa.

TA: one last q do you name your pokemon?

TG: hell yes

TA: nice.

TA: whats venusaurus’ name?

TG: dank kush

TA:

TA: shit.

__

TA: is he cute.

CG: ??

TA: the buttplug guy, kk, don’t play dumb.

CG: why are you asking me??

TA: terezi says he is but i need confirmation, for all i know he just might really like dragons.

CG: he’s alright, i guess. 

TA: karkat, i’ve known you my whole life, do not act straight with me now. 

TA: cute or no, tick-tock.

CG: he has that daddy long legs aesthetic going on, i don’t know.

TA: i’m screenshoting this brb.

CG: oh fuck off!! he’s tall and lanky, you know what i mean

CG: blonde. wears sunglasses

TA: butt?

CG: none to speak of.

TA: haa, made you look.

CG: wow, that was witty!!!!

TA: ok, sorry, i know you were already looking.

TA: i’m gonna suck his dick. 

CG: yeah, totally needed to know that.

CG: at least use a condom, mx thirst fucking incarnate.

(CG blocked TA)

__

TA: haha, he totally wants him.

GC: Told you so! >D

__

 

TT: David, I appreciate your newfound interest in the outdoors but it’s nearly midnight and no one has heard from you in hours. 

TT: That is the longest you’ve been away from your phone since the day you got it. 

TT: Hope you’ll forgive us, but we are worried.

TG: hey yeah sorry

TG: my phone died so i went to karkats to charge it

TT: Karkat’s?

TG: yea hes this real nice small guy

TG: i mean he’s not small hes john sized but

TG: his dad owns the church i claimed with the buttplug

TT: I see.

TT: To be frank, I am a bit surprised you’re the first one to make friends via this app. 

TT: But I am also proud of you. How is this Karkat fellow? Can he be trusted?

TG: hes 55 and has a neckbeard and gave me candy

TT: Ah, nothing to worry about then.

TG: but for real you and dirk are antisocial as fuck and roxy has a gang with her at all times and its a little intimidating

TG: she team valors at a whole different level im p sure john is scared shitless and hes still hoping to get in her pants

TT: Thank you for the imagery.

TG: np any time

__

EB: did you really claim a gym with a weedle?

TG: yeah i had it for full thirty minutes it was great

EB: that’s so dumb but also so you.

TG: fuck john im moved

TG: hey do you know karkat vantas

EB: yeah, we used to go to group therapy together, why?

TG: hahah he got super flustered about me knowing he needed group therapy who does he think i am a mentally healthy individual

EB: are you with him right now? Tell him hi!

EB: hi karkat!!

TG: he looks so grumpy and flustered what the hell did you do to him

EB: i did nothing! He’s just weird like that.

EB: and that wasn’t the reason he needed therapy so i’m allowed to joke about that.

TG: good thing you checked

EB: i’m very politically conscious.

EB: anyways!! dad got me a new phone this morning. 

EB: i’m already level four :B

TG: wow its almost like you spent the whole day following roxy around like a sad horny puppy

EB: :/ 

TG: which team are you going to pick

TG: no wait let me guess valor

EB: yeah!

TG: i knew itd happen but im still going to act hurt

TG: bring me flowers to atone for your betrayal

EB: aw, gay. 

EB: no offence, really! you’re my best friend and all but you did guard a gym with a weedle and roxy is ten candy away from a ninetails sooo.

TG: holy shit seriously

EB: yeah!! She’s great.

EB: i guess you got all the bad genes, i don’t know.

TG: aw man now i gotta cry myself to sleep brb

__

TG: are we throwing a party for your ninetails

tg: hecke yeaH

tg: the foxxiest pokemon trainer around

TG: im building you a shrine as we speak

__

gt: Heard you’re joining team valor! i’m here to welcome you aboard. 

EB: ha, didn’t know you’re playing too!

gt: I am offended! i’ve been a fan since before you were born.

EB: liar!

gt: Never!

EB: you were, what, four months old when i was born?

gt: Four months twelve days, to be exact.

gt: And already busy being the very best!

gt: Mind if i join you and roxy for your pokemon hunt tomorrow?

EB: sure, why not. 

EB: is dirk coming?

gt: Eh, let’s keep this outing strictly team valor.

EB: uh, sure?

__

EB: is something going on with dirk and jake?

TG: man dont know how to tell you but theyre kind of dating

EB: wow, that was hilarious, dave!

EB: but seriously, did they have a fight?

TG: who the fuck knows

TG: i am so not getting involved in dirks relationship drama

EB: okay, that’s probably smart.

TG: yup

__

TG: hey i got another egg wanna go hatch it w me

CG: now?

TG: i mean whenever but now is good too

CG: sure, why the fuck not.

CG: let me just wake up properly. 

CG: why the fuck are you awake at seven am, btw??

TG: couldnt sleep

TG: already wanked off once

TG: had nothing else to do

CG: wow.

TG: i should get that pokemon go bracelet thing itd be convinced i take so many steps

CG: i don’t think your dick is long enough for that.

CG: i hope your dick isn’t long enough for that??

TG: no dick actually

CG: oh.

CG: well. then it definitely wouldn’t work.

TG: you still up to hatch that egg

CG: yeah, jesus, let me put on my pants.

TG: ok just checking

CG: wait, did you think i wouldn’t be?

TG: sorry

CG: what are you sorry for?

TG: idk 

TG: sorry

CG: i’m not angry with you.

TG: thats good

CG: let’s go hatch your fucking egg.

TG: hahaha ok

__

TT: Are you out with Karkat again?

TG: yeah so what

TT: Nothing.

TG: what

TT: :)

TG: im blocking you

__

TT: Is this Kanaya Maryam?

GA: It is. Who’s asking?

TT: Apologies, right. I’m Rose. 

TT: Dave’s sister. 

GA: Oh, I’ve met Dave.

GA: He’s a charmer.

TT: You don’t need to lie.

GA: Really, you haven’t seen the other people Karkat brings home.

GA: (Just kidding. I love all my friends dearly.)

TT: I share that sentiment.

TT: Are you perchance the team instinct gym leader guarding the st.Paul’s church with a venomoth named Lesbians?

GA: That would be me.

TT: I must ask,

GA: I am gay.

TT: Oh. 

TT: Good to know.

GA: Is this a problem?

TT: No, on the contrary!

TT: It’s a shared interest.

GA: Ah.

__

TG: do you think im pretty

GA: Excuse me?

TG: rose is my twin

TG: wink

__

GA: Rose, aka tentacleTherapist.

TT: You called?

GA: Team mystic just took my gym over.

TT: Oh no.

GA: Their pokemon of choice is a tentacruel named Therapist.

TT: Who would do such a thing.

TT: :)

__

TG: is taking over gyms really gonna be a legit way of making moves on someone now

CG: yes, terezi was hitting on you.

TG: what

CG: i’m not playing that game.

(CG blocked TG)

__

EB: maaaaaan dirkjake drama gain

TG: uh oh what happened

EB: we went pokemon hunting with nepeta and roxy.

EB: but then callie and dirk showed up and dirk was really pissed because apparently jake told him he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to hang out today??

EB: and then jake just sort of shut down and dirk sighed a lot. 

EB: i caught a meowth, though!

TG: hahhaha jesus christ

TG: karkat just blocked me and i was thinking im a mistake of a human being but god those two always make me feel better about myself

__

EB: karkat, right? It’s john!

CG: oh, hey.

CG: long time no hear?

EB: hehe, yeah! 

EB: how are you doing?

CG: better.

CG: you?

EB: good!

CG: i hope it’s a genuine good and not that ‘nothing is ever wrong’ denial schtick you used to pull when we were twelve.

EB: hahahah, okay, karkat!

EB: anyways, i’m here on a mission.

CG: i’m pissing myself with anticipation.

EB: hahahhaha what the fuck.

EB: why did you block dave?

(CG blocked EB)

__

EB: he blocked me too!

EB: :(

TG: maybe hes having a weird night

__

TG: hey is karkat ok

GC: Umm I didn’t talk to him since morning. Is something wrong?

TG: idk he blocked me and then john for asking why

GC: HAHHAHAHAHAHHAH 

TG: wow woman thats harsh

GC: Sorry, I just almost got actually worried.

__

GC: H3 BLOCK3D H1M!

TA: hahahahah you’re shitting me.

__

TA: lmao.

(CG blocked TA)

__

GC: KARKAT I’M DYING UNBLOCK THEM PLEASE I CAN’T BREATHE.

GC: K4RK4T YOU’R3 K1LL1NG M3.

CG: WHY ARE YOU ALL LIKE THIS.

CG: Sorry, accidental caps-lock.

__

(CG unblocked TA)

TA: lmao.

(CG blocked TA)

__

(CG unblocked EB)

CG: sorry about that.

EB: it’s okay!

EB: you sure you’re feeling ok?

CG: yeah. sorry again.

__

(CG unblocked TG)

CG: sorry about that.

TG: no man its chill

TG: sorry about sending john after you it just sort of happened

CG: ha. 

CG: it’s okay.

__

tg: eeeeeeeeeeeek

tg: they broke up

EB: who broke up?

EB: wait.

TG: oh shit

EB: jake doesn’t seem too upset, though? Is he? 

EB: should i go talk to him?

EB: i don’t want to go talk to him!

EB: guys?? I can’t do this emotions scare me!!!

TG: dude chill you dont need to do shit

TG: but speaking of im never coming home again hahhaa

tg: dont be mean

tg: also if u leave me alone with a moody dirk ill find u and ill break ur phone

TG: aaaaaaaa

GG: oh no!! what happened?

EB: jade!! you found internet.

GG: sure did! the island is beautiful

GG: it also has a bunch of rare pokemons :D

EB: et tu! 

GG: team yellow yeeeeeeeeeeee!

TG: god bless your heart harley

tg: apparently jake started avoiding dirk idk idc

tg: ill tell him jades his team maybe that cheers him up

TT: Oh my.

TT: I swear I did not plan this out, but I’m not coming home tonight.

TG: oh no fuck that get here and suffer with us

TT: I’ve been invited to a sleepover at Kanaya’s.

EB: eye emoji!

TG: eye emoji x2

GG: (picture)

GG: actual eyes! 

TG: hahah jesus i miss you already

__

TG: hey man you okay

GT: Oh, yes! thank you for asking

GT: Yourself?

TG: dirk doesnt hate you or anything

GT: Uh.

TG: if i made you two talk it out would it be okay

(GT blocked TG)

__

TG: guess who blocked me now

EB: jake? he blocked me too :(

EB: should i get jane in on this?

TG: hahhaha you must be really angry with the dude

__

TG: yoo there’s an eevee down the street are you game

tt: You overestimate the amount of fucks i give about Eevees.

TG: ok but hypothetically if one was looking to catch a rare dirk

tt: I come out for fairy types.

tt: And Seel.

TG: seel? Seriously?

Tt: Ice type.

__

TG: just to check what was jakes starter

EB: ummm, charmander, i think?

TG: hahaha thanks

__

TG: dude you need help

tt: Probably.

tt: I just don’t get what went wrong.

TG: yeaaaaaah neither do i

__

TG: help

tg: lmao strider boys sucking the youth outta me

__

CG: I caught a venomoth!

GA: I caught a girlfriend.

CG: oh??????

GA: :) 

CG: is it rose?

CG: who am i kidding, of course it’s rose.

CG: congrats!

GA: we went for a walk, both hatched polywags.

CG: god damn it, you’re mothers already.

CG: i’m so proud of your family. 

GA: i’ll name mine after dave.

GA: she’ll name hers after you.

CG: okay i’m actually tearing up this roleplay got too intense for me.

GA: <3

CG: <3 !!!!! i’m so happy for you.

GA: i know, sweetie.

__

TA: hey, quick question.

TG: shoot

TA: do you like guys

TG: thought you werent a guy

TA: i’m not.

TA: this is not a come on, asshole.

TA: though if you wanna fool around i’m game.

TG: noted

TA: not asking for myself, though.

TG: okay whats going on

TA: really?

TG: ? yeah??

__

TA: (screenshot)

GC: Ohhhh my god!!

__

GC: Dave you dumb butt.

GC: Are you into Karkat or not.

TG: wait what

TG: no were just bros

TG: why did he say something

GC: You are both being very annoying and we can’t tell!!

__

TG: do your friends always try to play matchmaker or

CG: oh my god, what terrible fucking plan did they assume to be a nice afternoon activity this time?

TG: (screenshot)

TG: so like

TG: idk i guess im asking if youre into me?

CG: what the fuck.

CG: do you think i’m into you?

TG: i didnt but then they asked and hey im just checking

CG: are you into me?

TG: no!!

CG: wow, can it on the exclamation points, i’ll get not-completely-fucking-offended or something.

TG: not saying itd be bad if you were gay or whatever but im straight ok

CG: i am *not* interested in your sad visage, asshole. 

CG: calm your heterosexual panties.

TG: hahah ok

TG: wow this was awkward

CG: no shit.

CG: i’ll tell sollux and terezi to can it. 

TG: no its ok i can take care of it myself

TG: just wanted to make sure its all in the clear

TG: no boat accidents caused by bad weather up in this bitch

TG: calm sea and clear skies in the davekat broship land

TG: were good

CG: yeah, we are.

CG: hey, did you hear kanaya and rose named their kids after us.

TG: are you kidding heck yes i have a picture of that poliswag as my phone background

CG: i feel like a proud uncle.

CG: oh fuck off, i just noticed the spelling.

__

tg: there was a jigglypuff outside and dirk didnt come catch it

tg: im a lil worried

TG: idk i heard puff is a slang for vagina and thats not really his scene

TT: Really now.

TG: hey internalized cissexism strikes again

TG: anyways okay this is obviously an emergency

tg: i know!!!!!!!

TG: jake still has me blocked so no help there

tg: wait for real

tg: le siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiign

TT: An unusual twist to the inter-team dynamics.

TG: hey which team does dirk play for

TT: the other one

tg: ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

TT: (instinct)

TG: oh nice ill introduce him to karkat maybe they get along

tg: mm good luck

tg: the only person he talks to rn is calliopes asshole brother

TT: Yikes.

tg: super yikes

TG: ok but karkat is cuter so

__

CG: is this dirk?

tt: Who’s asking?

CG: hey, i’m karkat.

CG: dave’s friend?

CG: heard you play pokemon go.

tt: I love how my siblings are so socially inept the only way they can think of introducing new people is by ‘oh, he has that nerd app too’.

tt: But, yes, I do.

CG: uh, okay.

CG: i’m team instinct and all of my friends are either red or blue so.

CG: looking for more sensible people to be around.

tt: If sensible is what you’re looking for you’re at the wrong place.

CG: wow, okay, welcome to your twisted mind i guess.

CG: instinct hang-out at that new post office pokestop in half an hour, though, show up if you feel like it i guess.

CG: bring your own incest.

CG: INCENSE*** fucking autocorrect.

tt: Freudian slip.

tt: Sure**.

CG: fuck off.

CG: So you know Dave, hm?

CG: i have a lure. abandon that train of thought and i might just use it.

tt: Sold. 

tt: Can’t afford to waste incense, I guess. I do only have three siblings.

__

CG: you have three siblings?

TG: yeah

CG: whos the third?

TG: oh roxy

TG: forgot you two never met

TG: she already loves you

CG: she knows about me?

TG: yeah i told her about you

TG: they got worried the day we met cause i didnt liveblog my sweet pokeymahn adventures like usual

TG: shes cool youd like her

CG: so she got all the cool genes, huh?

TG: id be offended but you met dirk and ill take that double ko

CG: nerd.

TG: did he bite

CG: dirk?

CG: no. does he normally?

TG: no but he did just get dumped

TG: or like broke up but lets be real jake was the one who beat that relationship into the ground with a shovel

TG: it was brain-dead with ten internal bleedings by the point dirk got there all he did was pull the plug

CG: Right.

CG: Hey, I was going to ask. Rose and you are twins?

TG: yeah why do you have a thing for twins

CG: ??? no?

TG: ok just asking

CG: what??

TG: dirk showed me the incest conversation sorry

CG: FUCK.

TG: hahahha you totally do

CG: shut up!! you’re probably into vore or something.

TG: you read me like an open book about swallowing people whole

CG: don’t get hard.

CG: anyways!!

CG: her last name is lalonde.

TG: yeah

CG: and yours is strider?

TG: yeah

CG: ??

TG: what

CG: dave.

TG: ok ok hahah

TG: well we were kinda separated at birth 

CG: i can’t even tell when you’re fucking with me any more so.

CG: i’m about to get emotional, this is the last chance to admit if you’re full of shit or i’m coming for you.

TG: hahah no its legit but its ok its not a sob story

TG: we were put into adoption and kinda got sent around

TG: dirk and roxy found each other through the system first and kinda grew up together and then they found rose

TG: her adoptive mum is really cool she put us all in the will

CG: oh? 

CG: how much are you getting?

TG: no no you have to fall in love with me for my hot bod and not the $$$

CG: so there’s enough of $$$ to fall in love with? 

CG: hey dave want to play sonic inflation adventure, seductive wink.

TG: fuck i nutted

TG: but yeah rose and i became friends online and only found out were related after like. two years

TG: its funny cause her mom took me in after bro went to jail and we still didnt know

TG: we got my dna tested to see if i had some shitty disease or whatnot and they were like ‘ok so albinism is a go but also the girl you live with is your twin’

CG: okay, not to be an ass but you’re like. identical

TG: werent back then

TG: rose isnt albino

CG: ohh, right, it’s more common in males.

CG: well, people with XY chromosomes.

CG: wait.

TG: hahahha you just realized right

CG: shut up.

TG: yeah hahah no my genetics just really hate me apparently.

TG: dirk has it too though so idek

CG: wait where’d you get two affected chromosomes if rose got at least one healthy one? Is that biologically possible?

CG: dave, don’t do this to me, i had a C in biology. 

TG: hahaha sorry dude

TG: we dont know maybe shes adopted

CG: har-har.

TG: adopted kid jokes yeeeah

CG: obligatory laughter from the kid living with his biological parents.

TG: ok first of all thanks for saying biological and not real

CG: yeah, i’m not about that kind of bullshittery.

TG: haha sweet

TG: second of all

TG: you know that like in 3 out of 10 cases the man you think is your father isnt actually your father

CG: well i got hemophilia from mine so, man, i hope it’s this fucker.

TG: oh dang

TG: fucked up genetics club tho high five

CG: you’re embarrassing.

TG: ill get us matching shirts

__

CG: hey, can i ask something?

Tt: Is it about Jake?

CG: who’s jake?

Tt: That’s the right answer.

Tt: Sure, shoot.

CG: why is dave’s guardian in jail?

Tt: Ah.

Tt: *former guardian.

__

TG: rude

CG: what?

TG: dirk tells me things you know

CG: okay, fuck, sorry!!

CG: im a controlling asshole who needs to know *everything* about his friends because of some messed up knightly complex, i don’t know!!

CG: it was way out of line, i’m really fucking sorry. will understand if you never want to see me and all.

TG: hahaha wow you and dirk will really get along fine

TG: or battle for dominance im not even sure

TG: but yeah anyways just dont do it again and were cool

CG: okay.

CG: thank you.

TG: porn

CG: ?? WHAT?

TG: easy on the caps lock dude the button didnt do anything to you

TG: i mean exposing a minor to pornography i guess

TG: its apparently a criminal offence

TG: he had a site and left that shit around all the time

TG: it was really stupid though because he had cameras around the place to livestream to his *other* site and someone called the cops on him

TG: i was already thirteen at that point dunno what they were doing most of my life but i guess seeing a two year old waddle around plush dicks was kind of funny to watch

TG: he got five years but then they learned about the other shit so even if he gets out theres a restraining order

TG: ok um this got kind of long im sorry

CG: no, it’s okay.

CG: wow.

CG: i’m...at loss for words.

TG: its lame i know but its a good icebreaker

TG: um not really i dont actually normally tell this to people can you maybe not share it around tnx

CG: yeah, don’t worry. won’t tell anyone.

CG: shit, dave, i’m sorry.

TG: what why

TG: you didnt do shit

CG: i know. 

TG: plus hes gone now so

TG: cant even blame him really he never wanted me

TG: he was my adoptive brother technically his dad beat him too

CG: wait, too?

TG: used to hit adoptive mum but she ran away and then it was the two of us and i was too small and crap

TG: there was a stillborn baby that i was taken in to replace but i guess i failed to fix their shitty marriage and he started drinking and then it all just went to shit

TG: he was actually arrested for dui but when bro came to pay the bail they realized somethings off and he got jailed 

TG: its hilarious in a way history really does repeat itself

CG: dave.

TG: cant wait to see which minor crime i get arrested for before they realize i too am a violent piece of shit

TG: fuck!!!

(TG blocked CG)

__

CG: um i know i just fucked up but i don’t think dave is okay.

tt: The whole house heard.

tt: Thanks for the heads-up, though.

__

(TG unblocked CG)

TG: hey

CG: hi, are you okay??

TG: im fine holy shit

TG: sorry about the outburst im a sissy at heart i guess

CG: um, okay, i guess toxic masculinity is your defense mechanism, i can work around that.

CG: it’s really annoying but i can work around that.

TG: har har

TG: okay fuck im sorry

TG: i dont know why i told you that and sort of want to take it back

CG: uh, sorry?

CG: we can both erase the messages and i’ll pretend we never had that talk?

TG: no its ok ill get over myself

CG: okay, if you’re sure.

CG: just for the record, i don’t think you’re doomed to become him or anything like that.

CG: i know we just met but i can tell you’re not like that.

TG: yeah okay but you literally cant tell what im like

TG: i bet the nice lady i never got to properly meet who agreed to adopt a baby with albinism didnt think her husband was a fucking dick either

CG: okay, point.

TG: bro didnt ask to be a dick either.

CG: okay, stop.

CG: “”””bro””” or whatever wasn’t *made* to be a dick.

CG: past abuse doesn’t excuse being abusive.

CG: he didn’t have to do it.

CG: you don’t have to do it.

CG: you aren’t going to, either.

TG: you sound sure

CG: i feel pretty sure.

TG: hahah you’re stupid

CG: maybe.

TG: youd die in three seconds out there

CG: where’s out there? 

CG: that’s what i thought too, no reply.

CG: your fucked up guardian’s place is not the outside world.

TG: dont call him fucked up

CG: right. sorry.

TG: you didn’t know him

CG: you’re right.

TG: im just

TG: hes gay

CG: oh?

TG: so i guess

TG: i really dont want to be like him

CG: dave?

TG: im sorry hahah you so did not ask to be hearing this

CG: um, sorry if i’m overstepping or misunderstanding, but.

TG: yeah im gay thats what im saying im gay im a fucking faggot

TG: i mean bi i guess who the fuck cares

TG: i keep trying to figure out my own shit but it all just comes straight back to him and

CG: hey, dirk’s gay too, right?

CG: and rose?

TG: yeah

CG: they’re pretty cool.

CG: okay, not cool, but they’re nice.

TG: yeah but

TG: i dont know

TG: i know im being stupid

CG: you’re not being stupid, it’s hard to unlearn shit.

TG: you sound like a therapist

CG: well i have been seeing one for the last seven years so.

TG: hah touche

TG: thanks

CG: no problem.

CG: seriously.

TG: hhaha

TG: okay ill try to go to bed now

TG: sorry for keeping you up

CG: it’s okay, wasn’t gonna sleep either.

TG: dude what why

CG: i don’t sleep much, don’t worry about it.

TG: what why

CG: insomnia, if you must know.

TG: wow you really are genetically fucked

TG: no offence

CG: none taken.

TG: but you’re seeing a shrink right cant he give you a pill or something

CG: i’m past the ‘stuff him with pills’ phase, unfortunately.

TG: hah

CG: but yeah, as i said, don’t worry about it.

TG: too late

CG: *god*.

TG: not quite but

CG: aaaagh.

CG: pokemon hunting tomorrow? 

TG: sure, when?

CG: umm i don’t know, ten-ish?

TG: ten-ish works

TG: your dads church as a meetup?

CG: sure.

TG: ill bring my own incest

CG: FUCK OFF.

__

TT: Morning, Dave.

TT: Our siblings are up and you are not here. We are all going to assume you’re with Karkat and not overreact, but you did seem pretty upset last night and we’d like you to confirm.

TT: Any time now will be fine.

TT: Dave.

__

tt: Okay, asshole, not funny.

__

tg: john doesnt know where he is either

tg: i wanna call the cops but i know i cant yet

tt: Fuck. 

__

tg: hey is dave with you?

GC: Sorry, who is this?

tg: oh hey im roxy he namedropped you a lil

tg: im his sister and also overreacting a little

tg: were codependant like that i know

GC: Oh, hey. 

GC: He’s not, sorry.

GC: Karkat isn’t with us either, though.

GC: Maybe they’re together?

tg: thats a sound and a sane suggestion thank you

__

TA: karkat, your boytoy went missing, where are you?

TA: wow, thanks for answering.

__

GA: Karkat’s not answering me either.

TT: Do we worry?

GA: Oh.

GA: Oh, we do not.

TT: ?

GA: I’ve reached Karkat’s brother.

GA: They’re both, I dare say, more than okay.

TT: ??

GA: :)

TT: !

__

TT: He was doing the do.

tt: Is the do maybe called Karkat Vantas?

TT: :)

Tg: yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo noice

__

TG: what the fuck is wrong with this family

tt: A lot.

TG: at least were self-aware i guess

__

TA: well, at least i finally got my question answered.

TG: i hope you didnt hold your breath

__

GC: So…

CG: ?

GC: Remember what I said about the buttplug guy?

GC: Was I right?

(CG blocked GC)

__

TT: Congratulations on the boyfriend.

TG: thanks he’s organic

__

tg: why are all our siblings getting dates and all i do is catch weedles

tt: Really.

tg: ok sorry

tt: I wasn’t even talking about my depressing love life. 

tt: Is Callie there with you?

tg: yeah?

tt: Case in point.

__

UU: DID YOu JuST CLAIM MY GYM?!

tt: yep. 

UU: FuCK YOu!!! FuCK YOu AND YOuR CLEFAIRY.

tt: N’aw, leave Caliboring out of this.

UU: YOu ARE SO IMMATuRE.

tt: And you need to fix your keyboard, jesus.

UU: DON’T YOu THINK I WOuLD IF I COuLD?? ASSHOLE.

tt: Okay, fair.

tt: I know a thing or two about computers, though. Want me to take a look at it?

UU: NO.

tt: Okay.

UU: ACTuALLY.

UU: FINE.

UU: I’LL LET YOU.

tt: Shit, I’m flattered.

__

TG: so

CG: so.

TG: rose congratulated me on my boyfriend

CG: my.

CG: will i ever get to meet the unlucky bastard?

TG: dont do this to me man

CG: sigh.

CG: *okay*.

CG: hey, dave, want to go on an actual date? 

TG: will you be insulted if i pause it for a pidgey?

CG: for a pidgey?? yeah, i fucking will!

TG: shut up i’m trying to get a pidgeot

CG: why a pidgeot.

TG: i dont know i like birds

TG: id ditch for a spearrow too

CG: i guess i’ll live.

TG: you better mr 52 krabbies but i cant transfer them i love them all

CG: shut up, they’re funny!

TG: hahah whatever

TG: lets go on a date

CG: let’s fucking do it!

TG: lets pokemon go on a date

CG: no, wait, i changed my mind.

TG: lol

CG: <3

TG: gay

CG: thank god.

TG: <3333

CG: hah.

CG: hey, i think everyone thinks we had sex.

TG: yeah p much

CG: should we let them know we didn’t?

TG: i mean we could tell them we watched mewtwo strikes back on your bed and made sex noises to upset your brother but

CG: okay, i get it.

TG: tell them the buttplug is real

(CG blocked TG)

(CG unblocked TG)

TG: im laughing

CG: no, you’re not, we’re *literally* in the same room.

TG: right

TG: hey wanna make out

CG: ask it out loud and i’ll consider it.

CG: okay.

TG: no way you have to respond out loud

CG: nah.

TG: nah?

TG: is that a nah lets not make out or nah wont say it

__

TG: so i guess it was the second one

CG: OH MY GOD. 

TG: <3

CG: <3

CG: text me when you get home safe, asshole.

TG: sure

TG: DUDE scyther is literally ON your dads church 

CG: WHAT

CG: WHAT NOT FAIR

TG: its five minutes i know you can run

TG: hahah are you running

TG: ok its still here im rooting for you

TG: aw this is kind of adorable ngl

TG: ok i can see you ttyl i guess

TG: tty now ?

TG: this is so lame jesus

TG: anyways

TG: <3

**Author's Note:**

> the-onion-slut @ tumblr hmu
> 
> edit: im fucking screaming just went on a walk to hatch my egg as one does and found a gym guarded by nothing but a 10cp weedle & ofc i fought it and twenty min later they took it back who is doing this why is dave strider real and team valor


End file.
